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I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.