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There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Iām actually not funny. Iām just really mean & people think Iām joking.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn`t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.