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Which wine goes best with more wine?
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.