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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
is spending my children´s inheritance.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.