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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(