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My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”