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I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.