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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.