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Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
Checklist: Poke People ? Delete People ? Block People ? Send Friend Requests ? Accept Friend Requests ? Ignore Chats ? Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ?....Morning chores all done.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.