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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.