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If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.