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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
Quiet people have the loudest minds.
only 9530 days until retirement.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
:): The Bipolar smiley face