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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing... :(
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?