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This is just a quick shout-out to bread bowls, waffle cones and other edible containers. You guys are doing a great job.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels