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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
So can we just skip to summer now?
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.