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Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??