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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally