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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Please don`t post that political joke you just came up with. . . it really wasn`t that funny to begin with. Thanks for understanding. -the rest of us
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
I drink coffee for your protection.
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.