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I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
The secret to success is in my bra.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.