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Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!