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Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".