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I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
Iām eating just in case I get hungry later
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.