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I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!