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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.