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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.