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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying