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If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds