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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married