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It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(