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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
That Awkward Moment when you Greet you Brother on some random website. Brett to Daniel. sup Lerch!
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.