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i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!