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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.