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I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.