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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.