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I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.