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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
One trenta cheeseburger please.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?