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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Marriage tip: Don`t
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.