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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?