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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
My life coach just benched me.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.