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Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat