Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.