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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
If Trump wins I`m leaving the country. If Hillary wins I`m leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener