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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?