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I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.