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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
I only accept apologies in cash.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.