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Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
Running behind is my cardio.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords