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There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we`re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.