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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
Find someone you`re good at.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...