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Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.