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Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.