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It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.