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The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"