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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?