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We are so fortunate not to live in China, they have to hide their posts in cookies.
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.