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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
wants to rock and roll all night
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.