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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
I put the hot in psychotic.
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough