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Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.