Daily Silly Status

I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.

If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory

After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.

Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.

You know what I like about people? Their dogs.

I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.

I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".

I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..

If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.

Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...

Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.

I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.

Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.

People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.