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"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
Velcro is a ripoff
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.