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Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
Go ahead caller 9!!
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.