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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.