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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
i feel naked without my mobile !
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?