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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.