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I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!