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When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, Iām part of the other 2%
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.