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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?